We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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