"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
