i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
