her facebook's as public as her vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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