She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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