Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
