Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
