fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
