i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
