did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
