Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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