it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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