I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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