I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
