this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
