I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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