I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
