I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
