they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
