Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
