My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
