Your dad touched me again.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
