Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
