glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
