god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
