I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
