I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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