I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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