im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize