he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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