1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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