my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize