I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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