Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
