He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
