I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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