I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
4 words: hood of his car
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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