If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
