She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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