Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
