Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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