I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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