I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
