I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
