Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize