how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
