You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
