Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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