White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
