Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
