Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
