This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize