Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
