shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I love you. Go after that dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize