For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize