unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
