she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize