hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
