Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize