My first STD was from a foam party
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
