Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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