Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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