dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
