so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
