Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize