ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you win again, gameday.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
