we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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